Mike
the Muff Diver
© 1987 by Jim Morris
The condition was urgent, the place in a panic
and everyone feared for her life
Stranded at home and always alone was one very frustrated wife
She turned to her friends to get some relief
Some tried but nobody could
With no place to go they called on a pro before they had lost her for good
And here to revive her is Mike the Muff Diver
He’s anxious to shoulder the load
A little thrashing and splashing, one prolific tongue lashing
And one little kiss for the road
Yeah, here to revive her is old Mike the Muff
Diver
They say he’s the best he’s a pro
His head’s been in places that most other faces would never consider to go
Now Lucy was desperately looking for something to
help her jump-start her man
So as he lay sleeping she checked out his weenie and developed one masterful
plan
She’d make a penis sundae with whipped cream and cherries
Chocolate syrup and everything else
But to her great surprise when he opened his eyes,
It looked so good that he ate it himself
Her sister she found her about two hours later,
unconscious and barely alive
Well she was a nurse so she ran to the phone and called 1-800-MUF-DIVE
Mike got the call to come in a hurry and hopefully most of them do
Make way, stand clear, we need some beer over here
Oh Mike we’re depending on you
Cause here to revive her is old Mike the Muff
Diver
He’s anxious to shoulder the load
In less than a minute he’s completely within it
And buried clean up to his nose
Oh here to revive her is old Mike the Muff Diver
The say he’s the best, he’s a pro
His head’s been in places that most other faces would never consider to go
Now she was a pig-dog, ain’t no doubt about it;
how could anyone ever get like this
She frightened her husband, he wouldn’t go near her let alone give her a kiss
She was mired in a deep, dark depression
She didn’t want to live anymore
Mike was facing his greatest challenge as the Muffmobile stopped at her door
Well Mike quickly surveyed the damage with his
nose mounted Muff Diver light
This called for some radical treatment and it might take him most of the night
Early the next morning she asked, “Is it hopeless?”
He picked up his head and he grinned
He gave her a wink, took a big gulp of air, hell it looks like he’s going back
in
Cause here to revive her is old Mike the Muff
Diver
He’s anxious to shoulder the load
He’s quick and he’s thorough; he’ll lick and he’ll burrow
With one little kiss for the road
Yeah, here to revive her is old Mike the Muff
Diver
They say he’s the best, he’s a pro
Cause his head’s been in places that most other faces will never consider to
go
Now men let me tell you this shit can happen so
you’d better start getting prepared
The positions are awkward, you might get a neck cramp,
And don’t let that smell make you scared
Just learn to do something different
Try something new now and then
If you take care of her, she’ll take care of you
Cause Mike doesn’t do men, no sir
Yeah here to revive her is old Mike the Muff
Diver
He’s anxious to shoulder the load
He’s the big Sex Kahuna, he’ll face-dive that tuna
With one little kiss for the road
Oh here to revive her is old Mike the Muff Diver
The say he’s the best, he’s a pro
His head’s been in places that most other faces would never consider to go
Yeah his head’s been in places that most other faces would never consider to
go
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